"I was thinking about how the status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ...

that's when your chest is falling into your drawers.

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself. Make yourself comfy. Take your time."

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write "A Good Doctor" ... or "911"!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are you supposed to do, write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals."

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